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Friday, April 10, 2015

What is your Fee? Kink costs.

As a professional Domina I charge an hourly rate for My sessions.
I rarely have anyone balk at or question My rates.  At this point the breadth of My dungeon itself, My experience, expertise and training tend to do the talking for Me.  This is exciting and of course if anyone has been watching over the past 5 years, this was no small feat. I travel throughout the year to learn more, extend My experience, and I invest thousands of dollars every year into both training and the new equipment.
I was sitting talking last night to some young Ladies who are also into the kink scene, one very experienced switch and one slightly less experienced Domme.
I personally CAME into this world through the door of LEATHER.  In the Leather community, many years of learning, teaching and work have went into developing protocols and social mores that protect both the dominant and the submissive.  Living the lifestyle for years means our amazing predecessors have went to the trouble of working out a lot of our kinks for us!
Recently Mistress Evilyne extolled the virtues of one such practice, aftercare, in her blog.  This is worthwhile reading, and the health and well being of the slave or submissive are always cared for within the Leather lifestyle.  Slaves and subs HAVE been mistreated and I have also heard the horror stories, dislocated shoulders, bad burns, all manner of crazy women have caused crazy shit to happen in the name of BDSM.  It is important to have concern here.  If you are new to domination it would be good at the most basic level to know about this.
It would be even better of course for you to have a mentor.
There is a great deal about domination that you cannot learn from books or youtube.  There is even more about domination that you cannot learn until you have been doing it for years, day in and day out.  That's the knowledge and experience that a good mentor can provide.

HERE is a vital nugget of information no one seems to be talking about however.
Domination is energy play, and physical play.
It has a toll on the person administering it, depending on your personal beliefs, this toll is emotional, physical, and spiritual.
I used to regularly spend entire evenings or days or even weekends topping people one after the other. Personally I called this "the Domme Crucible".  I put Myself to My limits, repeatedly, and gave My all.  This was a fast way to perfect My skills and learn a lot.
The day after a Crucible, however, and sometimes even several days after, was like coming down off a coke binge.  I'm sorry if this is TMI for people who would like to see Me as one dimensional fetish providing object, but I am a human being and this stuff is intense. I am not invincible.  My health and other resources are not infinite.

If you give of yourself in this way, if you provide others with something they need, you deserve something back.
In the Leather community this is why a slave or submissive would never show up empty handed to a dominant they are about to play with, even in a non-professional situation. In Sacred Kink, by Lee Harrington, this is called your FEE, fair energy exchange.
My clients who pay in dollars sometimes have the luxury of only paying with dollars and submission. Many times however they also receive a FEE that I deem appropriate AND necessary.  This may be rubbing My feet, cleaning up after a session, bringing Me something I need.  I do what I need to do to continue to sustainably do this. I don't judge My FEE at any given time and the truth is that any submissive who isn't willing to pay a dominant's FEE doesn't deserve to play. Those submissives who have played with Me for a while not only GLADLY pay My FEE, whatever it is, THEY cherish the opportunity to do so.  They know what is on the other side of the exchange and they value it.

The popularity of kink, along with the new categories of players who are just playing has glossed over many things like this.  Many young women don't know their FEE, are not well versed in Leather, and they may not even realize yet how this play will tax them.  They will have a little fun for a while but will quickly burn out or lose interest in playing. Even worse the play with no pay for their hearts will harden them and they will become the "man hating" dominas everyone hates... how do you think they got that way? When a bell swings too far one way it will always swing back.

Being dominant can often be lovely little act where we look so strong, large and invincible, untouchable, superhuman.  Some Dommes I know are pretty fucking superhuman too, which blurs everyone's vision and causes confusion.  The best slaves or submissives can respect and enjoy this and still see our humanity.

If you are a dominant, I think you should get in touch with your needs and get comfortable expressing them.  Otherwise you will be draining yourself for other people's pleasure, and that is completely unsustainable.  The rush you are getting from Topping may seem to feed you but it will not take care of you, and in fact like most drugs it will leave you in a lower place than you started.  You may not notice it for a few years even, but believe Me, it's unsustainable.
This applies to Male Doms as well.  Male Doms can give and get drained also, and they deserve a FEE as well.