Monday, January 22, 2018
Finding out Who You Are
In a fantasy things can be easy. The sting of the whip doesn’t actually exist, only the humiliation does.
It is when we move from fantasy to reality that these things change, and the whip is not the only thing which brings pain to both the submissive and the dominant. Like in any relationship there will be a pushing and pulling to get the garment of BDSM to fit. Some aspects of the fantasy can be pulled to beyond recognition, while some aspects of the fantasy will need to be discarded for the relationship to function. You can let this discourage you enough to skip out, and enjoy fantasy as fantasy only, or you can work to create a different way of doing things.
It is said that you should know yourself. But your “self” will always be changing.
It is said one has to love themselves to love anyone else. But any lack of love for yourself is a ridiculous metric from which to judge your worthiness of love. I don't recommend anyone wait till they are perfect to endeavor upon a loving relationship.
I have most of My slaves KEEP A JOURNAL. This journal can be focused on their health, or daily experience, but it helps them to keep a larger sense of our whole relationship instead of focusing on one event. Writing and processing things in this way for yourself can help you and I recommend you start now, either with online journaling or keeping a book.
In your journal, it may be helpful for you to let your mind wander about:
• What your best qualities are- Are you patient? Quiet? Hard working? Good with Tedious tasks? Great at sewing or repairing things? Do you have an infectious smile and outgoing personality?
• What you could improve- Learning, Growing and Being Better for yourself as well as others
• What sort of BDSM activities you love- If you already know you love being tickled and restrained, or buying things for your dominant, cleaning up, keeping a home?
• What sort of BDSM activities you want to try eventually
• Your personal history of liking BDSM- where did it come from? What are your first memories of BDSM ? What movies or TV did you love growing up for their Dominant characters, fetish wear, or BDSM situations?
• What your dream Dom/ Domme would be like- Sadistic? A hippie Mama? A strong Leather Top? A Daddy or Mommie nurturing type?
• What a realistic BDSM relationship would look like to you- Weekly play while you maintain vanilla relationships? A live-in slavery situation for a vacation from normal life? A girlfriend who plays BDSM with you on the weekends? How much time do you need to yourself to be happy and healthy?
• What are your deal breakers? – Do you hate cigarette smokers? Need a monogamous partner? Do they need to be local or can you host once a month with someone from out of town?
• What do you fear about being submissive? – Are you afraid other men will find you less masculine? Are you afraid of getting outed to people? Are you afraid your Domme will not value you?
• What do you really need? – Does heavy bondage or a heavy spanking, or being a completely different person help you to live your life during the other hours of the month?
If you spend time figuring yourself out you will have a head start on anyone else who needs to figure you out. If you haven’t even thought about the answers to these questions it will be difficult for you to get what you want when you don’t know it yourself. Be creative and enjoy the dreaming process, because dreams can become reality.
Heavy work on your part to understand yourself will prevent huge fights, blowups and crumbling relationships as you can let others avoid your specific pitfalls.
From this introspection you will gain some knowledge about who you are and what you want and where you fall on the following spectrum. Which most resembles you and your search? It can change with both time and choice of partner.
The bottom says, Please do this to me.
The submissive says, What do you want to do?
The slave says nothing and waits, trusting, for Mistress's command.
You are allowed to change your mind and probably will. But if you approach a dominant in order to be a slave and only are interested in bottoming, it will fizzle very fast for you both. A realistic view of what people want is the only way to get those desires met.
Introspection will go only so far, and after you may wish to get some experience. Play parties, or serving local dominants can help you discern more about who you are, along with helping you to get training and build your reputation as a stellar slave. When you are starting out, you should focus less on looks, age, and outfits, and more on the experience level of the dominants that you serve. A more experienced Dominant will be much more patient with you and you will have much less chance of being hurt both emotionally and physically. We all have horror stories in the scene of inexperienced subs and what happens to them, don’t be another one of these stories. Even though it will make you value all the more when you do find a good relationship there are risks that you haven’t even considered. Bodily harm, sexual assault, kidnapping, being outted to family, friends and workplace, are all things you can avoid by being active in your community and choosing the solid, experienced, well reviewed dominant instead of running after a dream right away. You could also end up with a great friend, mentor, and teacher who can help you to find the dominant of your dreams down the road. Play in public, not in private if possible. Many dominants will not mind if you have a friend watch. Get a submissive friend or several, so you can keep each other safe, not to mention learn and support each other.